Addiction.

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Photo credit: healthyplace.com

Addiction is a bitch

Calling your name

The minute you wake up

Ready to play the game

Messing with your mind

Wondering if you’re crazy

That this voice is saying it’s ok

Just one more time

Tomorrow you can stop

Whenever you want

Whenever but not now

And you know you shouldn’t

You know if you do

It will prove to be true

That you are addicted

To all that is wrong with you

Yet it’s easy to numb it

That pain, that fear, that wish that life

didn’t hurt so much

Maybe someone left you

Maybe you can’t find the way to heal

Maybe it’s a bunch of bullshit

You do it to avoid having to deal

It’s a bitch

Any way you look at it

The voice reminding you

That you want to shut it up

And give it what it wants

Which is to be in charge

But it takes a toll

On your mind and body

Of the temple that you only get one of

in this life

It’s not like car parts

You can’t get a new set of lungs or a new liver

Like you get a new muffler

Why, why, why did you try it to begin with

Now it’s a struggle to get through each day

Without it consuming your thoughts

Just a hit, just one sip

Take your mind on a little trip

Relax, relax

Remember how it calms you

It’s kind of hard to relax

When it makes you feel guilty

Like you’re one of them

The dirty, dark secret addicts

What you have to hold inside of you

Because you don’t want anyone to know

If they knew

What would they do

You put on the face

The best you can

But you look in the mirror

And you look like shit

Like you’ve aged rapidly in a short time

Getting older and going nowhere

That’s what addiction is.

Just wish you could

flip the switch

And make it disappear

And be that person who

doesn’t crave

Who doesn’t need

Something to get started

Something to calm down

Something to fill in the gap

When nothing else is around.

I fucking hate you addiction.

Author: Andrea Houdek

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Ok so that was a little something I wrote last year. Words come to me like that. I can see something in a movie, or read about someone’s experience and then it starts. The words come and I grab my phone and start typing in notes. Before the phone I would grab little slips of paper and jot them down. I still do that sometimes because I like to see my handwriting. You remember what that is? LOL!

I’ve had my own experiences doing stupid shit and I am very thankful that was the extent of it. I know I have guardian angels because they kept me out of a lot of danger when I was younger. Sometimes it was fun, but I am glad I was strong enough to leave it there. Today, I can laugh at the memories and thank God I am here for my family.

The other day I was in Walgreens and this lady was making a big deal about two different types of Winston cigarettes and she couldn’t remember which ones her husband smoked. It was getting obnoxious and she actually had to step out of line to call him. Now I bet where I live this is considered cheap for smokes, (compared to the city) but they were something like $6.76 a pack. Damn dude! And she was buying a carton. So is that like for a week? 10 days? Almost $300 a month to kill yourself.

I don’t want to hear any crap from anyone who smokes cigarettes! I used to smoke, too. But over 15 years ago. They were half that price. Sometimes, maybe once or twice a year I’ll smoke a cigar with my husband on a nice summer day. But cigarettes, hell no, never again.

Lately I have been very sensitive to matters of addiction. There are so many things out there. Things that will make you lose your mind and all rationale. Some things are physical, others psychological. But either way, once something gets a tight grip on a person, they are in for a struggle the rest of their lives. Fighting demons day in and day out. Or not. Sometimes they surrender and the demons take charge. That’s when life gets ugly.

You know what’s crazy is that addictions can be anything nowadays. Alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex and porn are probably the most common. Some could even add shopping and social media to that list. Food can be used inappropriately and be a part of addiction. Just watch my 600 lb life. It’s heartbreaking what people live with.

Whenever I come across a story or experience with some kind of downward spiral, I naturally want to go back and trace the steps of what led to that. What event happened in a life that led to a path of  despair?

Everyone has something I’ve been told. Some are quiet about their things and others are right out in the open with them. I don’t judge. My Grandma Rosie always said everyone has their cross to bear. True. Today, my thoughts and prayers go to anyone struggling with something they have lost control over. May you find the courage you need to first face yourself and admit you have something that you know is not healthy. And by the grace of God, take that courage to get the help you need to overcome it.

Addiction is a bitch. But you can be a bigger one.

Prayers and love to all.

XOXO,

Andrea

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