Good morning. Here we are in the Midwest with more gray and rain. Why do I live here? I am telling you this weather needs to behave. Tomorrow is supposed to be better, with actual sunshine. So today, I will make the best of it. As I have had to do my entire life. Learn to make the best of it.
See this little chickie in the picture? That is me when I was 4. We spent a lot of time at our grandparents house. Don’t all kids love their grandparents house? It’s where candy eating is encouraged. You can never do any wrong. They want to feed you until you burst. And always give you a little something to go home with even though it’s not your birthday or Christmas. Yep, pretty easy to love being in my grandparent’s home.
By now most people know I lost my dad a few weeks ago very unexpectedly. I know each day on Earth is a gift and we should never expect to be here for a second. But when you see people all the time and they seem ok, and the next thing you know they are gone, it just seems like they should still be here. I know my dad himself would argue this with me saying that’s part of the plan, someday you move on. But what I am having a terrible time with right now is the fact that he didn’t plan for this plan himself. Or if he did, he didn’t share that plan with us. It feels like Unsolved Mysteries and my sister and I are trying to piece things together with minimal clues.
For weeks I have felt like a robot going through the motions and I finally flipped my shit the day of the memorial. I guess I am not afraid to go public because what’s the worst that can happen? It’s already happened. My goal is always to inspire someone else by saying “Hey, I have been there. I know it sucks but it’s going to be ok.” I thank God everyday he put my husband in my life because he truly is a Saint. I would have left my crazy ass years ago but he stuck around and I am grateful for it. Someday I will be his rock and can pay him back all the love and understanding he’s given to me.
So after an incredibly ugly morning and having a major breakdown, I got my shit together and did what I had to do. I have this insane mechanism in me that keeps me pushing on. I guess from the time I was very young I have had a very strong survival mechanism. Maybe I am guided by angels. Maybe I just know what feels right. Maybe the vision I have in front of me is stronger than anything that can knock me down. Whatever it is, I wouldn’t be me without it.
When I was a little girl, here, at my grandma’s, is where I learned to love all things domestic. Her house was warm and cozy. She loved her plants and flowers. She used to propagate African violets and had prize winning clematis and roses. Her mothers iris grew in her backyard that traveled from 3 homes and is now 100+ years old and growing in mine. She was always cooking something, from scratch. And always so calm about it. Maybe that was her way of finding zen. I know it’s mine. I turned to it yesterday. After weeks of eating whatever we could on the run, I made dinner. Like a real dinner. Pork chop marsala. I cheated and microwaved baked potatoes but it was a success for me. It really is therapeutic to cook.
I also did some laundry and washed dishes. I know this sounds super stupid but I was happy to have it to do. It’s about routine. And healing. My husband has always said, if you want to get your life on track, no matter who you are, you have to have a routine. Get up every day at the same time, start your day and do your routine. It’s a life saver. Only of course if your routine is healthy and positive. People can develop some pretty bad habits in the form of a routine and those just make things worse.
I am talking about getting up and making your bed. Having coffee. Picking up after yourself. Seems pretty basic, right? Some don’t do that. Ever. Sometimes people get down and can’t get back up. And things around them spiral out of control. It’s always easier to deal with a problem when it’s small. But now sister and I have to deal with problems that are big. I just pray that everything works out quickly and with as little complications as possible. Because we need to heal. It’s been one thing after another the last few years of losing our sister, our mothers parents, our mother and now our father. I just want to live my life again.
So I will do what I need to do to keep things moving ahead. To create calm around me. I can’t afford chaos. The only way I know how to deal is to avoid chaos at all costs. It’s having a plan and seeing it through. Accomplishing the smallest tasks end up being the biggest victories when you are at the end of your rope. I hope each victory leads me to more peace.
I will just keep saying to myself that I am in the healing process. I will be ok. There are some people out there who truly care and have given me hope that I am not alone in this. They are amazing people. I pray for anyone dealing with loss right now. Just please don’t let it keep you down. Find something, anything to do, to keep your mind moving forward. To stay on track.
I hope everyone has a blessed Holy Week. I am looking forward to spending Easter with my husbands family. They have always been so good to me. I appreciate them more than they know. To you and yours, God Bless your Easter.