Thinking of You.

img_7822It’s been two weeks since my phone was ringing with an unknown number. When I am driving, I never answer. They can leave a message if it’s important, right?  I was taking my son to a doctor appointment and had a minute to spare while checking in so I listened to the voicemail immediately.  It was a Sheriff on the other end with words I was not prepared to hear. It’s in regards to your father. He spoke softly but with a sense of urgency.

With it being a sheriff, I automatically thought Dad was in an accident. My brain tried to process that something not very good is ahead of us and I must prepare myself for whatever this sheriff is about to tell me.

I called him back and was asked how soon could I get to my dad’s house. What is going on? Is he ok? No? How soon? Not for an hour and a half. Did you call my sister? You tried? No answer? What is going on? Can you just tell me, is he deceased? After a few long seconds, the words yes he is were slowly cutting open my heart.

The nurse came in and tried to help me and the rest is a blur. I just saw the man 2 weeks prior. He was 71 years old and got around quite a bit. He liked his space too. We would connect every few weeks through calls, visits or Facebook. We were just approaching when it was time to connect again. I am seriously in shock. We did not see that coming. That’s the sneaky thing about death. There isn’t always a warning.

It took my 100 year old grandma to notice her son didn’t show up when he usually did at her nursing home. She got anxious about it and knew something was wrong. So she had the nursing home send a sheriff to his house. God bless my grandma. There are so many factors that make this really hard to deal with. I hate the fact that he was alone. For a week. No one wanted us to see him. I guess your body is busy being scientific decomposing and no one needs to see that. We can be glad though he went peacefully in his sleep without any struggles. He always said when it was his time he would hope it was in his sleep. He also said there’s not a damn thing anyone could do about it either. Ok Dad, I see that. And it sucks.

My mom passed away in 2014.  They were divorced but saw each other at holidays in my home. I was so happy that they were still friends for the sake of our family and my children. Love never dies. I say it like a broken record because it’s the truth. I think in their situation it just changed. They could never have what they once had, but they could have a meal and a few laughs together during our gatherings. We were so fortunate they got along.

The last two weeks have felt like I am on autopilot. I do what I need to do but I am off somewhere trying to process. I want answers I may never get. There are many things to deal with and it feels like I am living in a bad dream. My dad was a big guy with a bigger heart. He listened to all our troubles and joys and always had the right thing to say. My mom was like that too. I think the hardest thing to deal with is not having that support anymore from your parents.  I know I am not alone. People face devastating loss every day. It just sucks. Loss of loved ones sucks. But there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.

There are many feelings coming out of all of this and good memories surface. Family photo albums have been rediscovered and I feel I am getting to know my great grandparents through some of their belongings that have been preserved for over a hundred years! I am discovering who my grandpa was during his time in WWII. And just a look at the past, at our history,  is truly a treasure.

I know in time I will have to move forward and get on with life. My dad would want me to. But I am going to do it at my pace. And there’s not a damn thing anyone can do about it. Thank you for reading my blog and I pray if anyone is struggling with loss right now, God comfort you and that you have increased peace in your days ahead. I love you. xoxo.

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